the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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