Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
