no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
as a side note pls kill me
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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