I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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