mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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