when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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