I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
