Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
