Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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