I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
did i just pee glitter
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
