I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Drake has all the answers
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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