I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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