i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
