He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
