Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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