dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
