She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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