Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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