I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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