you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
