My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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