Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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