It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
