She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
