My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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