I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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