A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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