So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you had me at cake vodka
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
