Dude my mom stole all your condoms
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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