he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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