Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
