I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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