i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
