i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
