he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
