3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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