I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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