i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
