The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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