im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
