Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
