My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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