You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
