can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
