he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
