"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
