how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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