They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
