You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
