I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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