good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
